The Joker; Live In Belfast 20/4/08
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Title, Eh? I Dunno... Something Something Something Movies Something
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I haven’t done a blog about movies (or indeed, anything) for a while now; curious when you think that when I started blogging on this shitbox, my sole intention was to rip into movies ALL the time (read my first few blogs, and you’ll see they’re predominately movie related; in fact, read ALL my blogs, they’re awesome). So, here’s a movie blog to save you guys either
1; A shitpile of cash that you were about to spend on going to crap films, or
2: A shitpile of time that you were going to spend illegally downloading crap films.
Week by week, lets go!
May 2nd
Iron Man
Holy Shit! Iron Man is out this weekend! This is going to be the best movie this summer, well, the LEAST SHIT, anyway. Everything about this movie is Kentucky Fried Sex. Robert Downey jnr is perfect as Tony Stark, who gets kidnapped by a bunch of hole dwelling camel raping Afghan scum (who, going by Bin Laden’s regular video posts, have a better internet connection than I do) who want him to build a WMD for them. Tony completely buttfucks those stupid cunts by instead building a big iron Suit with guns and shit , which he uses to escape while listening to Black Sabbath. When he gets back to the States, he pimps his Iron Man suit and does battle with Jeff Lebowski. AWESOME. Iron Man will only make the rest of the summer’s movies more disappointing. If I’m wrong, and Iron Man turns out to be crap, I will burn down a school in protest, or maybe just for the hell of it.
May 16th
Speed Racer
Everyone likes Mario Kart, right? Well, what we have here is Mario Kart the movie, more or less. Its car racing, completely computer generated, coloured in garish bright neon colours. It induces epilepsy. It makes my teeth hurt. It stars Emile Hirsch (nah, me neither) and is-she-or-isn’t-she-good-looking-I-can’t-decide Christina Ricci, and is a (barely) live-action remake of the mental japanime of the same name. It involves a guy called Speed Racer who’s ambition it is to be a racecar driver. Good thing his name wasn’t Ass Sniffer, eh? Anyrate, Speed races about the place in a car called the Mach 5 and some other…stuff happens. I could care less about this movie. The Wachowski’s still owe me big time for Matrix Revolutions. The only thing that would make me go see this movie is fond memories of Bound, their directorial debut, which had Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly as these sexed up lesbians who fucked over the mob. That movie was awesome. There’s this bit in the middle where Tilly and Gershon get way the hell naked, and lez out IN STYLE. Will there be hot lesbian rutting in Speed Racer? Conventional wisdom suggests not.
May 22nd
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
Ok, I hate that fucking title. That title could change to anything and still make as much sense;
Indiana Jones and The Domain of Lost Souls
Indiana Jones and The City of Paradise
Indiana Jones and The Palace of Gold
Indiana Jones and The Blank of the Blank.
They just shoehorned anything into that title. Crystal Skull? Who the fuck cares? Anyway.
I went to see Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade 19 years ago, before a lot of you were born. Of course, I thought it was the best thing ever, but will that be my opinion of Indy 4? If this movie is anything less than great, I’m going to cry. I mean, cry into my popcorn, there and then in the cinema. I’m putting all my faith in the world in this movie. As such, I’m gonna maybe wait a few weeks after its released, and go see it at eleven o’clock at night, or suchlike; just to cut down the chances of seat-kicking bastard children and mobile toting teenage mouth-breathers. Plot details on this one are scarce, other than it involves Indiana Jones getting earache from a platoon of commie Russian heathens, and the return of still-got-it Marion Ravenwood. Transformers Shia LeBeouf shows up as (probably) Indy’s son, to further cement his position as the new Tom Hanks and further my drift into
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6 Comments
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17 days ago
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That Thing With That Man That Used To Be On That Shite On The Telly... ANSWERS!
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Ok everyone, I’ve finally nailed down enough time to answer the movie blog. Here are the films in question!
“What was that one called lad… the two lads, one was a lawyer and the other fella came and took his job… it was as funny as fuck. And your one hung the tits out in the middle of it! Do you not remember it? It does be on Sky very often.”
A few of you got this one right; well, one of you got it right, then the rest of you went ‘Oh, yeah…’. It was indeed trading Places, despite the fact that nary a lawyer features in the whole thing. According to my grammatically challenged buddy, it “does be” on Sky quite often.
“This is almost as bad as that shit we went to see about them cunts in the mountains; that was a load of shite, lad, and you know what I read later? That wasn’t true at all, none of it happened. They made all up; I should have busted you that night, dragging us to shit like that.”
A lot of you went with Brokeback Mountain here, which means a worrying percentage of you lot believe I would take a male friend to the cinema to see a movie about gay cowboys eating pudding. Nope, this was The Blair Witch project, something that I’ve never been forgiven for. He HATED this movie, but here’s the thing; he believed it, and only months later did he find out that it was in fact a scripted movie, and not footage found after the disappearance of a bunch of asshole students. Heh. Dumbass.
“That was some shit, lad. It’d put you in mind of… what’s that shit where it was in the forest? And it had dogs and things running around. And it ended up it was Big Brother, or some shite. I forget now.”
This was The Village, another god-awful boatload of shit that I dragged everyone to on the basis that I though Unbreakable was a good movie. Note, “Dogs and Things” refers to werewolves, or indeed any monster. This guy class’s Godzilla as a “dog or something”. Strength, be mine.
‘What was this that lad was in… your man that was in that other one with the serial killer; you remember the one he was in lad, he was a boxer, and he beat the shit out of this lad; remember? You could see inside his head when he finished. What the fucks this it was called again? Lad?”
“Your man that was in that other one with the serial killer” refers of course to Brad Pitt, in Seven, as remembering the name of the most famous actor in the world proves tricky for my mate at times. This time, he’s talking about Fight Club, which does indeed contain fighting, and lads getting the shit beat out of them.
“Me and the woman watched this shite the other night, hey, biggest load of shite. Your one was in it; she’s good lookin’, but in this she’s a big heifer, just a SOW, lad. That other fuckers in it to, your man, I fuckin hate him. I told herself, hey, that’s the last time you get the remote.”
Bridget Jones Diary! Of course. I asked him what he was doing watching Bridget Jones, to which he replied, “I was softening the woman up for a ride”. Nice.
“ I seen that one telly the other night again, remember that one we seen? All them weird fuckers, you know, the boy with the eyes and the other hoor with the swords. Its still good; that third one was DUNG though.”
“Weird Fuckers” hereby refer to mutants, and thusly to X-Men. The “boy with the eyes” is Cyclops (in fairness, he does look like Tom Cruise), and the “hoor with the swords” is Wolverine. Yeah, seriously.
“We used to always watch that when we were small. It had a big load of riding in it.”
I had to get more info out of him to narrow this down, but based on our ages (mid-to-late-twenties), the best I can do is that it’s Basic Instinct. Seriously, we had to sit through two hours of bullshit just to see a fanny in those days. Now, you google anything you want, ANY-FUCKING-THING. Seriously, you should see the shit I have open in a second window here.
“Fuckin’ hell lad, I saw t
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60 days ago
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The Joker; LIVE
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So what the flip is all this Joker Live crack I’ve been spouting lately? Well, long story short, I’ve finally pulled my finger out of my hole long enough to get myself onstage doing a bit of stand-up comedy. On Tuesday night gone by, I performed in the Ha’penny Bridge Inn in Templebar at an Open Mic gig for a crowd called battleoftheaxe.com. Why were you not invited? Well, I was kinda nervous and wanted to go in front of a cold crowd; one that, if they laughed at all, were laughing because it was funny, and not just because they know me. Sympathy laughs are the road to no town, y’know.
Anyrate, I don’t know what I was worried about because naturally, I knocked it out of the fucking park. You can check out the video in m’ flash box. Now, it got cut short at the start and at the end, for reasons I can’t understand. But I’m not pissed off; in fact, I’m glad, because you guys can view the video as sort of a trailer for more to come. I’ve got more gigs coming up, which you guys are more than welcome to come along to; I’ll post details as and when they arrive.
Till then, make what you will of my poorly shot video (if that’s Sony’s idea of “high quality” video, then Japan needs to be bombed again) and strange, cultchie/ nordie dialect. It cuts off abruptly at the end, but if you want to know what you’re missing then you can mail me. To help bring you up to speed, the video kicks in about a minute after I started, and I’m talking about how Irish audiences won’t applaud anything other than the last lines of the national anthem at GAA events and such like. The video starts with the line “There is one thing that will bring an Irish crowd to their feet”, to which some smarthole shouts “Guinness”. I settled his hash, I tell ya. Roll video!
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0 Comments
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86 days ago
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Hows the stand up going 
xxxx
